Nothing to see here

(Except when there is)

Edge's Embrace

by Niklas Haas on December 29, 2019

Tagged as: personal, rant, feelings.

It’s time for another one of those cryptic rambling sessions. You know, the type where I can attempt to defuse my feelings in a way that will prevent anybody from being able to understand. Here goes nothing.

I feel myself slipping, drifting - a leaf caught in the eye of the hurricane. Darkness encroaches upon me, the twilit sky ablaze with fiery glory. Will I fall into her crimson embrace? Will I be able to resist her allure? Everywhere around me, I feel the pull - the irresistible charm of irresponsibility. I want nothing more than to let go, and enter this world fully; explore her depths to my heart’s content.

Every day, I battle against temptation; a battle I’ve already lost before I begun. I need this, I convinced myself long ago, I need to belong. It’s so simple - all I have to do is fall. Gravity will take care of the rest. I’m not sure which fragments of myself I desire the least, but this seems like the lesser of all evils - the ultimate self-sacrifice to preserve what scraps of humanity remain.

At long last, I can prove to myself what I’ve known all along. Make my own projections into reality - embrace my phantoms by wishing them into existence. I already know the conclusion to all of this, but I’ve accepted it nonetheless. It’s the way I’ve decided to save myself from myself - by willfully looking into the eye of the storm and casting off what vestiges of lies remained.

I boldly step into this world, not because I think it smart, or noble, but because it feels so good to have certainty in ones future. A last ditch effort at wresting control of my fate back from the puppet strings of chemical bonds.